In Which I Feebly Attempt to Justify, er, Explain My Star Ratings

Yes, I have given all of my reviews a rating from one to five stars (you’re welcome) and like all movie reviewers, I have a hard enough time explaining them to myself, much less to normal people like you. I will therefore attempt to do so anyway.

Stand back. This could get ugly.

Five stars means that, beyond simply being technically flawless (or close enough for me not to care), this film possesses a certain intangible something that makes it special in a way that I can’t adequately explain.

All I know is that I want to be buried with a copy of this film in my casket.

All the ingredients of a five-star film are there, but… at the end of the day, it’s just an excellent film. I can’t recommend it highly enough, but I don’t want to bear its children.

This is a film that I want to recommend, but I just can’t do so without reservations. Something just went a bit wrong along the way. It’s not enough to make it a bad movie, but there’s a small whiff that the milk may have started to turn. For the moment, it smells funny but it’s still drinkable.

Oh, dear. This is a movie that wanted to be good. I wanted it to be good, too, but alas, it simply isn’t.

Two stars mean a failed attempt to make a good movie. One-star films are failed attempts to make a movie, period. These movies demonstrate ignorance, disregard and/or outright contempt for what makes a good film. These are films that shouldn’t exist, but they do, and their existence makes me angry.

A film with no stars is just a one-star film with the words “Deuce Bigalow” in the title.

Of course, at the end of the day, I follow my gut and may, at my own discretion, totally disregard what I just told you.