Yes, I have given all of my reviews a rating from one to five stars (you’re welcome) and like all movie reviewers, I have a hard enough time explaining them to myself, much less to normal people like you. I will therefore attempt to do so anyway.

Stand back. This could get ugly.

★★★★★

Five stars means that, beyond simply being technically flawless (or close enough for me not to care), this film possesses a certain intangible something that makes it special in a way that I can’t adequately explain.

All I know is that I want to be buried with a copy of this film in my casket.

★★★★★

All the ingredients of a five-star film are there, but… at the end of the day, it’s just an excellent film. I can’t recommend it highly enough, but I don’t want to bear its children.

★★★★★

This is a film that I want to recommend, but I just can’t do so without reservations. Something just went a bit wrong along the way. It’s not enough to make it a bad movie, but there’s a small whiff that the milk may have started to turn. For the moment, it smells funny but it’s still drinkable.

★★★★★

Oh, dear. This is a movie that wanted to be good. I wanted it to be good, too, but alas, it simply isn’t.

★★★★★

Two stars mean a failed attempt to make a good movie. One-star films are failed attempts to make a movie, period. These movies demonstrate ignorance, disregard and/or outright contempt for what makes a good film. These are films that shouldn’t exist, but they do, and their existence makes me angry.

★★★★★

A film with no stars is just a one-star film with the words “Deuce Bigalow” in the title.

Of course, at the end of the day, I follow my gut and may, at my own discretion, totally disregard what I just told you.