Celluloid Heroes

It’s not a mistake. They don’t make mistakes. They don’t do random.

Given his initials, it’s probably not a stretch to think that Robert Ludlum was inviting comparisons between his character Jason Bourne and Ian Fleming’s James Bond. Not being a huge reader of Ludlum’s novels, I’m not able to comment on the literary character, but as played by Matt Damon, Jason Bourne exists as almost a complete antithesis to the cinematic character of Bond.

Rather than being a martini-swilling clothes horse with expensive tastes in high living, Bourne lives in the shadows on the periphery of society. His clothes are non-descript and his wheels consist of anything he can steal when he needs to make a get away. His only gadgets are what’s between his ears and his training-honed instinct for survival. Despite being almost invulnerable physically, the emotional vulnerability created by his amnesia humanizes the character to a degree that’s unusual for 21st-century action heroes.

(more…)

I was really hoping we could avoid this.

2007 appears to have been the year of thirds, meaning the third entry in some highly visible film franchises. We had a third Shrek movie, a third Jason Bourne movie, a third Pirates of the Caribbean movie and a third Ocean’s Eleven movie. What does all of this mean? Absolutely nothing. It’s just a coincidence but I needed a way to open this review.

The real pleasure we get from watching movies like Ocean Thirteen has very little to do with storytelling, but derives from watching a lot of rich, good-looking people having a lot of fun doing things most of us just dream about. It’s fortunate that this is actually entertaining because there’s not a lot going on here in terms of story. Underneath its shiny, well-polished Ferrari exterior is a squeaky hamster wheel and the hamster is on a long coffee break. Most of it doesn’t make it a lot of sense but we don’t notice because, frankly, people are talking too fast and, as I said, having a lot of fun.

(more…)

You had me at “vermin-filled.”

At least Disney has the sense to release its animated sequels direct to video, because no one wants to fork over ten bucks for one viewing of a craven attempt to cash in on our children’s affection for these characters. Dreamworks, of course, doesn’t have the luxury of a vast tradition of animated features. They have one tent-pole animated franchise, the Shrek movies, so they obviously feel forced to milk the property for everything they can until another they produce another hit.

(more…)

Are you telling me that’s the best America can do?

I have a feeling that a lot of trouble could have been avoided if our current president had just asked his father one simple question. “Dad,” he could have asked, “exactly why did you leave a brutal dictator like Saddam Hussein in power after the 1991 Gulf War?” Bush 41 could have gone on to explain how they foresaw that power vacuum in Iraq could leave the country in a state of sectarian chaos and Iran as the sole regional power.

We wouldn’t want that to happen, would we?

(more…)

I have no sympathy for any of you feculent maggots and no more patience to pretend otherwise.

Before the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise, the practice of shooting two sequels in quick succession had a short and unspectacular history. In the eighties, they tried with the Back to the Future movies and, while those sequels had some charms, they were pale imitations of the original. These efforts, however, were masterpieces compared to the Wachowski brothers’ follow-ups to The Matrix, which managed to completely suck all of our good will for the original into that blank space behind Keanu Reeves’ eyes.

(more…)

Oh fine! Let’s just haul out our swords and start banging away at each other! That will solve everything!

In Hollywood, success comes with its own peculiar brand of curses, most notably the expectation that one will follow that success with a sequel that will match, if not vastly exceed, the creative and commercial accomplishments of the original. Since any successful film is a matter of artistic and technical alchemy outside the control and understanding of us mere mortals, it’s little surprise that most sequels end up being pale, stunted, mutated offspring of the first movie. To understand why this happens is that when they call it the entertainment “industry,” they are not kidding. At a certain level of management, people view a movie as little different from a Toyota Camry. As long as you include the same ingredients, each iteration that roles off the assembly line should different as the one before it and everyone who lined up to buy the last one should do the same for the next.

When the first Pirates of the Caribbean movie was a surprise hit in 2003, it was probably inevitable that Disney would come shopping around for a sequel or two, but director Gore Verbinski and his team claim to have be surprised by the request. This may account for the fact that much of the film was not yet written, even as it went before the cameras, which explains the somewhat aimless and disjointed nature of the narrative. Even so, the unmistakable craft and indisputable energy of what is on the screen at any given moment gives the movie an entertainment value that overrides any minor deficiencies in the storytelling.

(more…)

For having such a bleak outlook on pirates, you are well on your way to becoming one.

Back when I was a lad, “Pirates of the Caribbean” was about the only cool ride left at Disneyland when the E tickets were all gone or the line for Space Mountain stretched to some time next Tuesday. It was either “Pirates,” “Small World” or head for parking lot. If you had suggested back then that the ride would be made into movie and that movie would not only not be rated G, but the lead actor would also pattern his character after a member of the Rolling Stones, Walt himself probably would have risen from the grave to personally throw your hippie ass out of the park.

(more…)

I like the part where he knocks you on your ass.

I’m not much of a comic book aficionado, so I’m not certain where the Fantastic Four fit in the pantheon-slash-food-chain of super heroes. I guess the fact that I’m aware of them means they’re pretty popular. As a film franchise, however, they are strictly bush league. This movie is a $1.98 sitcom with $130 million worth of special effects. The decline in quality from the first movie to this one isn’t as far as it was with Spider-Man 3, but there wasn’t that far to fall, either.

(more…)

I’d just like to say that if there are any more back home like you, God help anyone who goes to war with America.

If Fox’s 1970 film Tora! Tora! Tora! was a little too academic and dry, then Michael Bay’s Pearl Harbor is simply all wet. I’m not exaggerating when I say that I’ve rarely seen a movie find more ways to put the wrong foot forward. The tacked-on romantic triangle makes Titanic look like Jane Austen and Shakespeare combined. The historical accuracy is slightly more suspect than O.J. Simpson. The special effects turn one of the most solemn moments in American history into a video game.

(more…)

I fear all we have done is awaken a sleeping giant fill him with a terrible resolve.

Think of this movie like a long, slightly boring lecture in history class, only with explosions. This attempt to do for the attack on Pearl Harbor what The Longest Day did for the D-Day invasion of Normandy succeeds on so many technical levels that it’s a shame that it fails to engage the audience emotionally in its subject matter.

However, while it was initially a failure at the box office, I wonder if the film ultimately managed to recoup its budget through royalties from licensing pieces of the film as stock footage. It’s hard to find a movie about World War II in the Pacific over the next twenty or thirty years that doesn’t reuse at least a few shots from Tora! Tora! Tora!

(more…)

Still think it’s a dream?

For what it tries to be, about the only thing I can find wrong with The Final Countdown is the title. There really is no countdown involved and, even if there were, there would be nothing particularly final about it. We shouldn’t let that hamper our enjoyment about what has to be the best movie ever made about a time-traveling aircraft carrier.

This is one of those movies that would be nothing without its cast, as it depends upon actors with a certain level of gravitas that you need to sell a profoundly silly premise and this film has scored a jackpot in that department.

(more…)