Celluloid Heroes

If you let a thousand monkeys fling their feces at a blank wall and then used the result as your screenplay, you could make a better movie than Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo. If you simply filmed those thousand monkeys at work, you’d still have a better movie. Even though this film is only 75 minutes long, I feel as though it stole three hours from my life.

People often ask, “If there is a God, why does He allow suffering in the world?” A more relevant question would be, “If there is a God, why does Rob Schneider have a movie career?”

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The six of us with no money and in private are gonna solve a conspiracy that the Warren Commission couldn’t solve?

Oliver Stone’s JFK is a movie as admirable in its technique as it is troubling in its agenda. Much like Birth of a Nation sought to rewrite the early history of the original Ku Klux Klan, JFK represents a concerted effort on Stone’s part to insert certifiable falsehoods into the historical record of the Kennedy assassination. He gets two basic facts correct. John F. Kennedy was indeed assassinated on November 22, 1963 and New Orleans District Attorney Jim Garrison did actually prosecute businessman Clay Shaw for his role in an alleged conspiracy. After that, the facts and Mr. Stone have a strained relationship at best. I sincerely hope that this movie will be as routinely dismissed by future generations as Birth of a Nation is today.

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