Celluloid Heroes

If you let a thousand monkeys fling their feces at a blank wall and then used the result as your screenplay, you could make a better movie than Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo. If you simply filmed those thousand monkeys at work, you’d still have a better movie. Even though this film is only 75 minutes long, I feel as though it stole three hours from my life.

People often ask, “If there is a God, why does He allow suffering in the world?” A more relevant question would be, “If there is a God, why does Rob Schneider have a movie career?”

(more…)

The six of us with no money and in private are gonna solve a conspiracy that the Warren Commission couldn’t solve?

Oliver Stone’s JFK is a movie as admirable in its technique as it is troubling in its agenda. Much like Birth of a Nation sought to rewrite the early history of the original Ku Klux Klan, JFK represents a concerted effort on Stone’s part to insert certifiable falsehoods into the historical record of the Kennedy assassination. He gets two basic facts correct. John F. Kennedy was indeed assassinated on November 22, 1963 and New Orleans District Attorney Jim Garrison did actually prosecute businessman Clay Shaw for his role in an alleged conspiracy. After that, the facts and Mr. Stone have a strained relationship at best. I sincerely hope that this movie will be as routinely dismissed by future generations as Birth of a Nation is today.

(more…)

I’m someone you can trust, I’m a movie producer.

After 29 years, Peter Jackson has finally delivered on Dino De Laurentiis‘ promise. Before the release of his 1976 remake, De Laurentiis famously said, “When Jaws die, nobody cry. When my Kong die, everybody gonna cry.” Well, nobody cried in 1976, except maybe the film’s financial backers. Audiences, on the other hand, snickered, chortled and guffawed at the cheesy effects and a leading lady who played the brainless ditz a little too well. The fact that Jessica Lange’s career survived that film, let alone that she went on to be highly respected, is a testament to her talent.

2005 brings Peter Jackson’s 3 hour remake/homage to Merian C. Cooper’s 1933 classic. In a lot of ways, it’s even more overblown and self-indulgent than De Laurentiis’ fiasco, but who cares? This Kong works.

(more…)

It’s running out, and ninety percent of what’s left is in the Middle East. This is a fight to the death.

In his superb documentary Looking for Richard, Al Pacino comments how hard it is for actors and audiences to keep straight all of the characters in Shakespeare’s historical plays. Watching Syriana, I kind of knew how he felt. This film is confusing and not because it’s badly written or any other fault of its own. It’s confusing because it’s about oil and politics, a subject that lends itself naturally to confusion.

(more…)

You know when you really want something, you close your eyes and wish for it really hard? God is the guy that ignores you.

Take several parts Logan’s Run, add a few teaspoons of THX-1138 and shake it all together with a surprisingly restrained helping of Michael Bay, and you come up with The Island. This is a not-altogether original science fiction action movie that manages not to egregiously insult the intelligence of its audience. In other words, it’s not Armageddon, which is the minimum that I ask from a movie.

(more…)

I’m hot. You’re… well, you’re a little limp. Sue’s easy to see through. And Ben’s always been a hardass.

The title of this movie is at least half accurate. There are four of them.

(more…)

From these chains, Lord, break me.
From this prison, Lord, take me.

The Skeleton Key is a mildly effective thriller marred by a twist ending that seems to undermine everything that made it effective in the first place. Like The Others, another supernatural thriller about a woman left mostly alone in a dark, shambling mansion, The Skeleton Key seems to suffer from “M. Night Shyamalan syndrome,” the belief that these quasi-supernatural thrillers require that the plot throw the audience a curve. Unlike The Others, however, the curveball here misses the strike zone.

(more…)

You know what’s gonna happen. They’re gonna get caught and get thrown in jail. Then I’m gonna have to shake my ass at somebody to get them out.

The Dukes of Hazzard was a genially harmless TV series. Brainless, too, but harmless. The storytelling rarely surpassed the level of one of those stunt shows at Universal Studios. Sorrell Booke and James Best were afflicted with “Werner Klemperer syndrome,” suffered by all veteran character actors playing buffoons far below their respective talents. For its whole run, the show got by on lightweight humor, car chases and Catherine Bach in some very, very short shorts. How short? How about “The Guys Down in Standards-&-Practices Are Drinking Maalox by the Gallon” short?

Why do I dwell on those shorts? They represent about the only virtue that carries over from the series to this movie.

(more…)

I want an Official Red Ryder Carbine-Action Two-Hundred-Shot Range Model Air Rifle!

You’ll shoot your eye out, kid.

I may be the last person of my generation to see A Christmas Story. I don’t know why it took me so long, but now having seen it, I humbly beseech all of you your forgiveness for not giving this classic a spin long ago.

This little gem of a movie accomplishes the not undifficult feat of presenting a warmhearted Christmas tale through a Normal Rockwell-esque lens without becoming unbearably treacly. Its nostagic adult’s take on child’s-eye view of Christmas is likely to give the most hard-hearted Scrooge a case of the giggles.

(more…)

I’ve staked my crew’s life on the theory that you’re a person, actual and whole, and if I’m wrong you’d best shoot me now… Or, we could talk more.

Firefly was one of the best television shows that almost no one ever saw. Premiering on the Fox network in September, 2002, it was shown out of sequence in a very nomadic time slot. Finding the next episode was like playing “Where’s Waldo – The TV Guide edition.” After doing little to promote or support the series, Fox cancelled it after airing only 11 of the 14 episodes produced.

Then something kind of bizarre happened. The complete series, included the three unaired episodes, was released as a DVD boxset in December of 2003. It sold like crazy, especially for a little-known show that was cancelled after eleven episodes. It turns out that Firefly fans, who call themselves “Browncoats,” are fanatical enough to make Trekkies look as fickle as Los Angeles hockey fans. Something about the DVD sets flying off the shelves that convinced Universal Pictures to take a chance on a feature film. Considering that it took Star Trek a decade to reach the large screen, despite running for three seasons initially, it’s remarkable that a half-season wonder like Firefly could turn that trick in less than three years.

(more…)