I don’t ever wanna see that.
If you let a thousand monkeys fling their feces at a blank wall and then used the result as your screenplay, you could make a better movie than Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo. (more…)
Welcome to the Archives
These are the posts for the month of December in the year 2005 of the common era.
Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo (2005)
Saturday, December 31st, 2005JFK (1991)
Saturday, December 31st, 2005The six of us with no money and in private are gonna solve a conspiracy that the Warren Commission couldn’t solve?
Oliver Stone‘s JFK is a movie as admirable in its technique as it is troubling in its agenda. Much like Birth of a Nation sought to rewrite the early history of the original Ku Klux Klan, JFK represents a concerted effort on Stone’s part to insert certifiable falsehoods into the historical record of the Kennedy assassination. He gets two basic facts correct. John F. Kennedy was indeed assassinated on November 22, 1963 and New Orleans District Attorney Jim Garrison did actually prosecute businessman Clay Shaw for his role in an alleged conspiracy. After that, the facts and Mr. Stone have a strained relationship at best. I sincerely hope that this movie will be as routinely dismissed by future generations as Birth of a Nation is today.
King Kong (2005)
Friday, December 30th, 2005I’m someone you can trust, I’m a movie producer.
After 29 years, Peter Jackson has finally delivered on Dino De Laurentiis‘ promise. Before the release of his 1976 remake, De Laurentiis famously said, “When Jaws die, nobody cry. When my Kong die, everybody gonna cry.” Well, nobody cried in 1976, except maybe the film’s financial backers.
Syriana (2005)
Friday, December 30th, 2005It’s running out, and ninety percent of what’s left is in the Middle East. This is a fight to the death.
In his superb documentary Looking for Richard, Al Pacino comments how hard it is for actors and audiences to keep straight all of the characters in Shakespeare’s historical plays. Watching Syriana, I kind of knew how he felt. This film is confusing and not because it’s badly written or any other fault of its own. It’s confusing because it’s about oil and politics, a subject that lends itself naturally to confusion.
The Island (2005)
Thursday, December 29th, 2005You know when you really want something, you close your eyes and wish for it really hard? God is the guy that ignores you.
Take several parts Logan’s Run, add a few teaspoons of THX-1138 and shake it all together with a atypically restrained helping of Michael Bay, and you come up with The Island. This is a not-altogether original science fiction action movie that manages not to egregiously insult the intelligence of its audience. In other words, it’s not Armageddon, which is the minimum that I ask from a movie.
Fantastic Four (2005)
Tuesday, December 27th, 2005I’m hot. You’re… well, you’re a little limp. Sue’s easy to see through. And Ben’s always been a hardass.
The title of this movie is at least half accurate. There are four of them.
Director: Tim Story | Released: 2005 | 106 min. | Rated: PG13 | Genres: Action, Based on a Comic Book
The Skeleton Key (2005)
Tuesday, December 27th, 2005From these chains, Lord, break me.
From this prison, Lord, take me.
The Skeleton Key is a mildly effective thriller marred by a twist ending that seems to undermine everything that made it effective in the first place. Like The Others, another supernatural thriller about a woman left mostly alone in a dark, shambling mansion, The Skeleton Key seems to suffer from “M. Night Shyamalan syndrome,” the belief that these quasi-supernatural thrillers require that the plot throw the audience a curve. Unlike The Others, however, the curveball here misses the strike zone.
The Dukes of Hazzard (2005)
Monday, December 26th, 2005You know what’s gonna happen. They’re gonna get caught and get thrown in jail. Then I’m gonna have to shake my ass at somebody to get them out.
The Dukes of Hazzard was a genially harmless TV series. Brainless, too, but harmless. The storytelling rarely surpassed the level of one of those stunt shows at Universal Studios. Sorrell Booke and James Best were afflicted with “Werner Klemperer syndrome,” suffered by all veteran character actors playing buffoons far below their respective talents. For its whole run, the show got by on lightweight humor, car chases and Catherine Bach in some very, very short shorts. How short? How about “The Guys Down in Standards-&-Practices Are Drinking Maalox by the Gallon” short?
Why do I dwell on those shorts? They represent about the only virtue that carries over from the series to this movie.
Director: Jay Chandrasekhar | Released: 2005 | 104 min. | Rated: PG13 | Genres: Based on a TV Series, Comedy
A Christmas Story (1983)
Friday, December 23rd, 2005I want an Official Red Ryder Carbine-Action Two-Hundred-Shot Range Model Air Rifle!
You’ll shoot your eye out, kid.
I may be the last person of my generation to see A Christmas Story. I don’t know why it took me so long, but now having seen it, I humbly beseech all of you your forgiveness for not giving this classic a spin long ago.
This little gem of a movie accomplishes the not undifficult feat of presenting a warmhearted Christmas tale through a Normal Rockwell-esque lens without becoming unbearably treacly. Its nostagic adult’s take on child’s-eye view of Christmas is likely to give the most hard-hearted Scrooge a case of the giggles.
Serenity (2005)
Thursday, December 22nd, 2005I’ve staked my crew’s life on the theory that you’re a person, actual and whole, and if I’m wrong you’d best shoot me now… Or, we could talk more.
Firefly was one of the best television shows that almost no one ever saw. Premiering on the Fox network in September, 2002, it was shown out of sequence in a very nomadic time slot. Finding the next episode was like playing “Where’s Waldo – The TV Guide edition.” After doing little to promote or support the series, Fox cancelled it after airing only 11 of the 14 episodes produced.
Director: Joss Whedon | Released: 2005 | 119 min. | Rated: PG13 | Genres: Action, Based on a TV Series, Science Fiction
